


The Mess Inside

by penoftruthiness



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:59:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5950221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penoftruthiness/pseuds/penoftruthiness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gavin reflects on Peter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mess Inside

**Author's Note:**

> So I know that most likely there was some big, explosive disagreement between Peter and Gavin that drove them apart. But then I was listening to this song (The Mess Inside by the Mountain Goats), and I started thinking - what if instead they went through a long, slow decline, where both of them knew what was happening, but they were powerless to stop it?
> 
> This is in no way related to any of my breakups. Obviously.

He doesn't think he ever told anyone.

Peter's mother probably figured it out, on reflection. They weren't subtle, only because neither of them quite had the charisma to be, but he and Peter never had what most people would notice as a romantic relationship. 

They started out working on projects that nobody else had tried yet. Gavin liked to look at the housing advertisements in the newspaper, and when he found a particularly large house with water views, he'd show it to Peter. Peter always responded with a disinterested "alright", but his eyes flicked towards the picture, so Gavin knew he'd actually looked. Gavin kept a lockbox full of newspaper clippings, first the houses, and later of the two of them as they started getting more and more successful.

They'd never talked about it, but Gavin had always assumed that they'd end up buying some large mansion together, with a really nice kitchen so he could cook for Peter whenever he wanted. They'd hire a housekeeper. They could even get a workshop or something, so they wouldn't have to be working in garages for the rest of their lives.

Little did he know that he would end up living alone in his giant mansion, with a housekeeper and a personal chef, because he just couldn't be bothered. Cooking for one was wasteful, anyway.

Just as their business was finally gaining traction, their relationship was falling apart. 

It started slowly at first. 

Gavin noticed it after they sold their first chip. They stopped being able to immediately understand each other. Peter would come up with a new idea, and he had to explain everything to Gavin several times before he got it. Gavin didn't know why he couldn't seem to grasp what his friend was saying.

Peter started freezing up when Gavin draped his arm around Peter's shoulder, which he always used to do in the garage. At first Gavin thought it was just the presence of other people, but even when they were alone, Peter seemed more and more uncomfortable with physical contact. Eventually Gavin just dropped it. 

Gavin found himself looking at Peter less and less. The products and communications with people who wanted to fund them took up all of his time and energy. One day he looked up at Peter's face, which he used to spend large parts of the day staring at. Peter said, "What?" and Gavin responded, "Nothing." Only later did he realize that, this time, he actually meant it.

One day, Peter took him out to sit on a bench in a park that looked out over the water. They had come here a lot when they were younger and Peter's mom kicked them out of the house to go play outside. They used to stare at the ocean in silence. That's what they did that day, too, but Gavin started feeling uncomfortable, and made an excuse to leave early, leaving Peter sitting on the bench alone.

Gavin started getting invited to tech conferences. At first it was just in the valley, but then it started being all over the country. He was in New York when Peter called him, the first year their names were in the papers.

"Tomorrow is September 28." Was how Peter greeted him. Gavin was glad he could recognize the sound of his friend's voice over the phone, because otherwise he would have believed that greeting to be the start of a threat.

"Yes. I've got a personalized tour of the Statue of Liberty." It wasn't something he was super interested in, but knowing that there were people trying to impress him made Gavin feel powerful.

"Oh." Peter stated simply. 

It was at that moment that Gavin remembered when Peter's birthday was.

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck." Gavin said into the phone under his breath.

"My mother wanted to know if you would be coming to our house. She made a cake." Peter said.

Still muttering obscenities, Gavin replied, "I'm sorry Peter. It's just...It's far."

"Ah." Peter said.

Gavin heard the unmistakable click of the phone being hung up. He put his head in his hands, trying to figure out why he wasn't even sad about missing his best friend's birthday party.

He remembered how good the sex was. No one would ever believe him, but Peter was amazing at sex. He couldn't do any of the dirty talk, but he made Gavin feel so good. He knew they were each other's firsts, so he had no idea why Peter was that great. Maybe it was how attentive he was. When they were having sex, Gavin had Peter's full attention. Not much could keep Peter from thinking about six things at once, so distracting him so fully felt like an accomplishment in and of itself, even before factoring in how physically amazing the experience was.

Gavin wondered if Peter slept with anyone else after him. He'd slept with other men (and some women), hoping in equal measure to find someone to build a legacy with and to fill the hole Peter had left in his life. None of them had worked, really. 

Instead, he started doing charity work. Most people saw it as a ploy for a good company reputation, and in part it was, but Gavin found it a great way to justify his existence to the world. I could be the biggest dick of a CEO in the world, but I made billions and built a house for a homeless person. No one could deride him for that. Peter could, of course, but they didn't really talk anymore by the time Gavin could say "billion" as a casual word in his vocabulary.

Towards the end, they took a trip up to Alaska together, since they now had enough money to do pretty much anything they wanted. They saw moose. The land was beautiful, but Gavin couldn't escape the nagging sense of discomfort he had the entire trip. Gavin read the book he's brought along whenever they were in the car together, being driven from place to place. Peter switched his seat to business class on the way back. 

Their last kiss was right before Gavin gave a big speech on tech engagement for young children. He must have seemed nervous or something, because Peter leaned in as Gavin was adjusting his tie. Peter pulled back, looking immediately regretful. He said "sorry" in a quiet voice before disappearing somewhere backstage. Gavin couldn't focus on it right at that moment. He had a speech to give.

The last time they were openly friendly to each other was when Gavin, in a random moment of weakness, called Peter to talk about his new house. At first, it had been to invite Peter over, maybe see what he had been up to for the past few months. But Peter simply said, "Congratulations on your new home ownership. Make sure your mortgage terms are favorable" and hung up.

Gavin took up Buddhism to try to find a sense of serenity in his tumultuous life. Like everything else he'd done since Peter, it simply molded to him instead of changing him for the better. He didn't know why he was surprised anymore.

They faded out slowly, but surely, until just running into each other in a restaurant was an almost unimaginable test of will. 

Then Peter died. It was sudden and awful, and Gavin took a day off from Hooli for the first time in years. He went to visit Peter's mother, who by then was in a nursing home. She still remembered him though, of course she did, and gave him a hug when she saw him. It helped a bit.

Gavin spoke at Peter's memorial. He knew he was using this partially to distract from suing Pied Piper, which should probably have made him feel guilty. He took a little bit of solace in the fact that he was chosen to speak, meaning Peter had never really moved on, either. 

The doves were ridiculous though.

After the service, he went to the same park that he and Peter used to sit in together. He brought his old lockbox, and looked through the pictures, which were yellowing now. Would Peter have been disappointed in him for using his death as a way to further his business goals? Probably not. They spent their entire lives trying to win the world. Peter couldn't fault him for that.

And even if he did, it wouldn't matter. 

Peter Gregory was dead.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://conversationslikeminefields.tumblr.com/).


End file.
